Renewed sense of mission
At this point in time, I have been here in Portland for just over three months. During the last three months I have been working on finding my footing, getting settled into my new routine and community, and working on growing in the humility I need to live out this mission. It has taken time to adjust, and an immense amount of trust to deepen my faith. My prayer before leaving New Jersey was to hold firm in the conviction that I experienced when making my decision to enter this year, and that it would never leave me. But to be honest, for the past three months I have been fighting to uphold this truth.
The reality of this mission is one that brings us into the experience of darkness, which has the temptation to weigh very heavily on the heart– from encountering people who have endured suffering beyond measure and running into a friend only to find out that they almost died from an overdose just the night before. The streets are changing constantly, and this has become my new reality. I never know if I will see the same person again, despite how edifying our conversation was, and no matter if we were planning on working on a housing application– you never truly know when the last time you encounter someone on the streets will be. There have been many moments of weakness on my part– fits of despair and moments of hopelessness. In these moments of distress, it appears that I am losing my grip on the Lord’s call for me to be here. However, in all these moments of battle I have never felt the Lord leave my side. I am confident that He has been fighting for the strength of myself and my fellow missionaries so that we can be assured that this darkness we experience has not even an ounce of comparison to the immensity of His light. Through this reassurance I have been able to continue to fight for my grip on my own personal conviction, which has given me the energy I need to continue along.
I recently read this quote from St. Francis Xavier and it has put into words exactly what the Lord was inviting me to be convicted of when I came here:
“I looked or desired for nothing here but to wear myself out with work and sacrifice my life itself in bringing out the salvation of souls.”
Through this challenge, I have come to know myself more- both my strengths and my weaknesses. And in the short time I have been here, the Lord is bringing to the surface many places of surrender that I still need to enter with Him. This comes up primarily in our ministry when we encounter people with deep suffering. It is a deep temptation of us all to want to fix them ourselves, though we know that it is only Christ who can truly transform someone. For this reason, I have become more aware of my need to give myself fully to our Lord– placing my heart, desires, and own brokenness into His own hands for a restored sense of hope and purpose. Most importantly, I have come to trust that Christ has sent me here on this mission not to take His place, but to allow Him to work through me. And it is this realization that has allowed me to truly enter the heart of this mission and hold firm to my conviction that my time here yields a purpose to His Kingdom. And as St. Francis Xavier prayerfully articulates, it is imperative to be reminded that we are at the service of Christ, dead to ourselves, and should only concern ourselves with bringing Christ to others through humility and love.
Through this interior growth, I have noticed new sense of urgency in my heart. I desire to treat every moment as if it is the first time, I am meeting someone, the only time I am meeting someone, and the last time I am meeting someone. I desire to pour out my heart into everything I do, no matter how emotionally or physically tired I become. I am coming back to the heart of Jesus knowing that it is only through His strength and the Grace of the Father that I can be here and to serve in this way. After countless moments of surrender and dying to myself for the sake of this mission, the reality of what Christ has called me to is finally setting in, but not only in my exterior actions but in the inner workings of my soul.
Maria Goitiandia